Understanding Domestic & Family Violence

Most people in intimate relationships disagree about things from time to time; disagreements are a normal part of a healthy relationship. Both parties should be able to put forward their different points of view or concerns and feel comfortable discussing them together. In a healthy relationship both parties treat each other as equals and compromise to seek solutions to overcome their problems.

However, in a relationship where domestic and family violence is occuring the situation is very different. One person in the relationship uses abuse and or violence to control the other person through fear. The victim feels threatened, too frightened to argue back, or too scared to disagree or express their opinion. The perpetrator has power over the victim. In the majority of cases of domestic and family violence the victims are female.

Generally women in domestic and family violence situations do not enter a relationship believing it will become violent. Although sometimes women will choose to make a long-term relationship commitment when there is abuse occuring, often believing marriage or moving in together will put a stop to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness. There are also occasions when women enter longer term commitments out of fear, concerned about the consequences for their safety or for others if they don’t.

In many abusive relationships the physical and sexual violence does not begin until after the relationship is well established, and for many women their first experience of physical violence will be during pregnancy. Perpetrators of abuse and violence are often initially very controlling and dominating over their partner and this behaviour may mistakenly be interpreted as jealousy, or considered a compliment by the woman or as a sign of his love for her. In some cases domestic and family violence can continue long after the relationship has ended.

It is important domestic and family violence is understood in the context of social inequality rather than on the dynamics of individual relationships. The structual inequalities in society creates a power differential between women and men and results in domestic violence in interpersonal relationships.

Forms of Domestic & Family Violence

Fear: Is a key element in domestic violence and is often the most powerful way a perpetrator controls his victim. Fear is created by giving looks, or making gestures, possessing weapons (even if they are not used), destroying property, cruelty to pets - or any behaviour which can be used to intimidate and render the victim powerless.

Intimidation: Includes smashing things, destroying her possessions, putting a fist through the wall, handling of guns or other weapons, using intimidating body language (angry looks, raised voice), hostile questioning of the victim, reckless driving of vehicle with victim in the car. It may also include harassing the victim at her workplace either by making persistent phone calls or sending text messages or emails, following her to and from work, or loitering near her workplace.

Verbal abuse: Includes screaming, shouting, put-downs, name-calling, using sarcasm, ridiculing her for her religious beliefs or ethnic background.

Physical abuse: Can range from a lack of consideration for her physical comfort to causing permanent injury or even death. It could include such behaviour as pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, choking, hair-pulling, punching etc. and may or may not involve the use of weapons. It could also be threats to, or actually destroying prized possessions.

Emotional abuse: Is any behaviour that deliberately undermines the victims confidence, leading her to believe she is stupid, or that she is 'a bad mother' or useless or even to believe she is going crazy or is insane. This type of abuse humiliates, degrades and demeans the victim. The perpetrator may make threats to harm the victim, friend or family member, threaten to take her children, or to commit suicide. Or the perpetrator may use silence and withdrawal as a means to abuse.

Social abuse: Includes isolating the victim from social networks and supports either by preventing the victim from having contact with her family or friends or by verbally or physically abusing her in public or in front of others. It may be continually putting friends and family down so she is slowly disconnected from her support network.

Economic abuse: Results in the victim being financially dependent on their partner. She may be denied access to money, including her own, demanding that she and her children live on inadequate resources. These can be contributing factors for women becoming 'trapped' in violent relationships.

Sexual abuse: Includes a range of unwanted sexual behaviours including forced sexual contact, rape, forcing her to perform sexual acts that cause pain or humiliation, forcing her to have sex with others, causing injury to her sexual organs.

Controlling behaviours: Includes dictating what she does, who she sees and talks to, where she goes, keeping her from making any friends or from talking to her family, or having any money of her own. This can include preventing her from going to work, not allowing her to express her own feelings or thoughts, not allowing her any privacy, forcing her to go without food or water.

Spiritual abuse: Includes ridiculing or putting down her beliefs and culture, or preventing her from belonging to, or taking part in a group that is important to her spiritual beliefs, or practising her religion.

Separation violence: Often after the relationship has ended violence may continue, this can be a very dangerous time for the victim because the perpetrator may perceive a loss of control over the victim and may become more unpredictable. During and after seperation is often a time when violence will escalate leaving the victim more unsafe than previously.

Stalking: Sometimes the victim is stalked by the perpetrator either before or after separation. Stalking includes loitering around places she is known to frequent, watching her, following her, making persistent telephone calls and sending mail including unwanted love letters, cards and gifts although the relationship has ended. Stalking is a criminal offence, under the stalking legislation more than one type of behaviour has to occur, or the same type of behaviour has to occur on more than one occasion.

Spousal homicide: The death of the victim directly attributed to domestic violence. Research indicates between 25% - 31% of homicides in Australia involve either spouses or sexual intimates. (Esteal, 1993)

All forms of domestic violence are unacceptable some forms are a criminal offence

Domestic Violence Facts

The vast majority of dangerous, abusive and violent behaviours that occur in private in people's homes are committed by men, against women. The following statistics are a sobering reality:

• 1 million Australian women have experienced violence by a previous partner, including violence that occurred both during and after the relationship. (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 1996)
• 23% of Australian women who have ever been married or in a de-facto relationship experienced violence by a partner at some time during the relationship. (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 1996)
• Women who experienced physical or sexual violence by a partner were significantly more likely to experience emotional abuse such as manipulation, isolation or intimidation than those who had not experienced violence (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 1996)
• Younger women were more at risk than older women, with 7.3% of women aged 18-24 years having experienced one or more incidents of violence from a current partner in the previous 12 month period as compared to 1.2% of women aged 55 and over. (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 1996)
• Of all murder-suicides in Australia from July 1989 - June 1996, 43% were committed by partners or former partners of the victims. (Australian Institute of Criminology 1998)
• In domestic homicides in Queensland between 1994-1997, 82% of victims were female and 82% of offenders were male.
• In a 1992 survey held at the Emergency Department of the Royal Brisbane Hospital, 23.6% of the female Respondents indicated a history of experiencing domestic violence. It was also found that 70% - 80% of all victims of domestic violence seek medical assistance at least once (Roberts, 1994).
• A further study undertaken at the Pre-Natal Clinic at Royal Brisbane Hospital found that 29.7% of pregnant women had a history of experiencing abuse and 8.9% suffered abuse during pregnancy. (Webster 1994)

Common Questions & Answers

Do some women provoke the violence by nagging?

Answer: No. Most abused women try to do everything they can to please their partner and avoid further violent episodes. Victims of domestic violence are vulnerable to further episodes of abuse regardless of their behaviour. Responsibility for violence rests solely with the abuser.

Is domestic violence a learned behaviour?

Answer: Abusers have often witnessed domestic violence as children. However not all children who grow up with domestic violence will go on to become abusers themselves likewise not all perpetrators of domestic violence grew up in violent homes. Violence is a choice. In our society there is widespread tolerance of gender, racial, religious and cultural inequality and violence, this teaches that abuse and controlling behaviour is acceptable. However, abuse that is learned can be un-learned and positive, healthy ways of relating can be learned.

Does alcohol or drugs cause domestic violence?

Answer: No, it is a misconception that domestic violence is caused by alcohol or substance abuse. The fact is that almost equal numbers of sober and drunken men are violent. Where studies show that more drinkers are violent to their partners, the studies are not able to explain why many drunken men (80% heavy and binge drinkers) do not abuse their partners. Alcohol or other addictive substances are used by men as a means to give themselves permission to be violent. If someone blames alcohol or drugs, they are avoiding taking responsibility for their actions - many people enjoy drinking and some may even drink excessively, and never use violence. Many people stop their drinking and still keep using violence and controlling behaviours. While the use of alcohol and drugs can often make the violence more serious, they do not cause it.

Religious beliefs and domestic violence

Abusers may use their religion as an excuse for their violence. Religion is no excuse for domestic violence. There is nothing to support the view that it is God's will for people to endure family violence. Use of Scripture to justify domestic violence is unacceptable. Some women may feel pressure from their faith or community to 'honour' their commitment to marriage and stay in the abusive relationship. They may think that to leave or get a divorce is against their religious beliefs "The Scriptures can sometimes be misused to condone the use of power and to keep women and children in unsafe situations, hence care offered by the church has often been destructive rather than liberating" Ian George, Archbishop of Adelaide, 1995

Is domestic violence more prevalent in some cultures?

Answer: Domestic violence crosses all countries and cultures. Some abusive men claim that in their culture, women have a subordinate role, and the use of violence is permitted to keep women in line. Some accuse the legal system of attempting to destroy their culture or that laws against family violence are racist. It is important to maintain cultural traditions and beliefs, but this can be done without violence or abuse. Under the law the same standards of non-violent behaviour applies to all.

Common Questions About Men Who Abuse

Can an abuser change?

Answer: Change is possible because violence is a choice. However to make positive change he must first accept responsibility for his violent and abusive behaviour. The process is slow as it requires the abuser to challenge their beliefs and attitudes and stop using power and control, this is not easy to do and requires much hard work and commitment.

Am I to blame for his violence?

Answer: No. Abusers make a choice to use violence and abuse. A lot of violent men will blame their partners for their abusive behaviour to avoid taking responsibility for themselves. They choose when and how they are violent or abusive. Most abusive men are only violent towards their partners, and many report they can turn off their violent and abusive behaviour when others are around.

Does he just lose control?

Answer: No. Abusers choose who to hurt, when to hurt and how to hurt, to accomplish their ends. Some people think men who have behaved in violent or aggressive ways must be mentally ill, crazy or lose control. Violence is not about losing control, but rather trying to get control over a person or situation. Domestic violence occurs when someone decides to use physical, sexual, emotional and or spiritual abuse to get their way – or to make someone do something, stop them from doing something or to punish them. Most are not violent or controlling outside the home.

What if he is sorry?

Answer: Most abusers are sorry about their violence afterwards. In fact, remorse is part of the pattern of violence. The abuser may promise to end the violence, to attend counselling, he may give gifts to his partner and will do, say or promise basically anything to ‘get everything back to normal’. When the victim accepts the apology or returns to the relationship the pattern of abuse and violence begins again. If an abuser is serious about stopping his violence he will take full responsibility for his behaviour and will seek help and actively work on changing his behaviour.

What about anger management programs?

Answer: It is now widely accepted that domestic violence is not about anger, but instead is more about the abuser’s desire to control his partner through any means that will work. Anger management programs do not address the fundamental causes of domestic violence, nor do they focus on safety of the victim or hold the perpetrator accountable for his violence. They are not appropriate alternatives to specialised domestic violence behaviour change programs.

What about men’s domestic violence education programs?

Answer: Men’s domestic violence education programs are group programs especially designed for men who are abusive to address their violent and abusive behaviours, they aim to:

• Examine and challenge men's beliefs and attitudes that support violence
• Examine the effects their violence and abuse has on their partners and their children
• Examine the impact their violence has had on their own life
• Teach and practice non-controlling and non-violent alternatives.

Abusive men may be motivated to attend a domestic violence program for many different reasons. They may be directed by the Court to attend following a breach of a Domestic Violence Protection Order. Sometimes family, friends, employers or others place pressure on him to attend out of concern for his violent behaviour. Some men choose to attend in an attempt to save their relationship believing that if they attend a program their partner will not leave them or she will return with the hope that things will improve. Some men who attend do actually want to change their violent and abusive behaviour.

Many women are hopeful that once a man is attending a program this will bring an end to the violence and abuse. However, it is important to understand that whilst a program can offer a range of supports and opportunities for change it will not be effective unless the man himself wants to change. He must be prepared to challenge himself and work hard at becoming non violent, striving for equality in his relationships. This is a difficult thing to do as it requires challenging his belief systems and identifying the ways in which he gives himself permission to be violent and abusive. Attending or completing a program does not mean he will stop being violent or abusive or that his partner will be safe therefore a woman should not stay with him simply because he is attending a program. Since attendance at a program does not guarantee safety for his partner and children. It is a good idea to keep the safety plans you have made in place, and stay in touch with a counsellor from the Domestic Violence Prevention Centre or a women's support and education group.

How do I know if he has changed?

Answer: Some men do complete domestic violence education programs with changed beliefs and a willingness to be non-controlling and non-violent. However, it is not safe to assume that just because an abuser has completed or is attending a program that violence and abuse has stopped. Change comes slowly, trust your gut feelings and ask yourself the following questions:

• Has he completely stopped doing and saying things that frighten you?
• Can you express your opinions about the relationship without fear of being punished?
• Does it feel safe to bring up topics that you know upset him?
• Will he listen to your opinions with respect?
• Does he respect your wishes about sex and physical contact?
• Has he stopped expecting you to do things for him?
• Can you spend time with friends and family without being afraid he will retaliate?
• Do you feel in control of your life?

If you answered NO to any of these questions it is likely you are still at risk of further violence and abuse. Always consider your safety first.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

If you are in a domestic violence situation the decision to leave is often a difficult one. There are many barriers that can stand in the way of a woman trying to leave an abusive relationship that must first be overcome to achieve safety. Some of the reasons it can be difficult to leave may be:

Fear for safety

• Fear of what he will do when he finds out you have left.
• Fear he will carry out a threat to harm or kill you, your children or others.
• Fear he will carry out his threat to commit suicide if you leave.
• Fear you won't be able to take care of themselves and the children alone.

Isolation from others

• Fear being alone, that no-one will understand or help you.
• Fear of being rejected by family and friends.
• If you are in a same sex relationship, you may fear you will be "outed" or that no one will believe you.

Pressures about the children

• Believe children need two parents, and don't want to raise them alone.
• Fear of being deported or that your children will be taken out of Australia.
• Believe you cannot give the children the same lifestyle they are accustomed to.

Promises from your partner

• You believe that things will get better.
• You believe that no one else will love you.
• You believe others will think you are stupid for staying as long as you have.

Pressures from cultural or religious communities

• You want to try to keep the family together and live up to your religious commitment to remain with your partner.

Pressure from family and friends to stay

• You feel feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated you don't want anyone to know what is happening.

Financial pressures

• You are financially dependent on your partner for shelter, food, and other necessities and you don't know how you would cope alone.

Legal issues

• You fear you may lose your children in a 'custody' battle.
• You are worried about going to court and having to tell what has happened.

After living with domestic violence many women report feeling as if they are unable to make decisions and feel they have no control over their lives. Their self-esteem and self-confidence has disappeared and they feel they have lost their sense of their own self worth and value. It may take time to build your confidence back and trust in yourself again to feel positive and hopeful about the future and confident in your ability to make decisions for yourself and your children, this is quite normal and to be expected.

Some people think it should be easy for a woman to leave a relationship where domestic violence is happening, that she should just get up and go. The truth is it is much harder to leave an abusive relationship than a non-abusive one. Many women do leave or try to leave, but it can be a difficult and lonely process. For some women, especially immigrant women or women from indigenous backgrounds, leaving is not an easy option because they risk being excluded from their support networks, the very group that gives them their place to stand in their family or community. On average most women will leave between five and seven times before they are able to leave permanently, each time becoming stronger and more confident. It is important to realise that leaving does not always mean you will become safe immediately. In fact you may be in greatest danger from your partner's abuse at the time of separation. Any attempt to leave should be planned with safety of you and your children in mind.

It is important to remember that whilst the list of barriers may seem overwhelming that many women have been able to leave abusive relationships and go on to have safe, healthy, happy fulfilling lives for themselves and their children. The key to doing so is having a belief in yourself and that you deserve a life free from violence and abuse. For many women the first step to rebuilding confidence has been to join a women's support group. In these groups women have the opportunity to meet other women, share experiences and coping strategies and realise you are not alone. If you are interested in joining a group contact the Domestic Violence Prevention Centre for more information.

The following quotes are from women who have experienced domestic violence in their relationships and have expressed how they felt ....

"For years he had me believing it was my fault. He made me think I was stupid and ugly and I deserved what I got.. I was scared.. I could never manage without him and no-one would ever want me or give me a job."

"I loved him - I still do really. He put me in hospital twice but I just melted when I saw him crying. I thought hitting me showed he cared. I believed him when he said he would change."

"He turned everyone against me. I had no friends, no social life, no support. He got the children to keep track of my movements and tell him what I'd been doing and who I'd talked to. I knew he'd never let me go."

"My mother, his mother, our counsellor and our minister all told me I should stay... They said he was trying to change and I needed to support him. I waited through six years of hell."